Peeper

My wife was out of town recently and I didn't close our blinds the entire time she was out of town. I wonder what people must think who see my life from our large living room window. I imagine it's some combination of entertainment and boredom if they watch long enough. 

I didn’t start out this way, no sir. I didn’t begin with shoes suctioned inch-deep in mud, fogging up my neighbor’s windows. Peeping doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process that got me here.

It began a few days after my kids got me Rex. Rex is half poodle, half black lab: a “labradoodle” they told me. My kids are well-meaning and they were worried about me after their mom passed, but I was fine. I didn’t so much miss her, but I missed the things she made me do like go to the symphony, chew sugar-free gum, watch Law  & Order (I don’t even know what channel it’s on), and wash the toilet from time to time.

In a way, my children are to blame. I’d never had any bad habits until I started walking Rex everyday. I’m even a flosser if you can believe that! The day it all began seemed innocent enough. As I waited for Rex to finish shitting, I watched a young man do a handstand in his living room. On another walk I saw a mother spank her child, then at a different time there were two men--identical twins--practicing a dance routine in top hats. Eventually I found myself watching mundane people doing mundane things like type at a computer or eat dinner until Rex would tug at his leash and we’d continue along our way.

A year ago, Rex died after eating an entire Rose bush. I didn’t miss him so much, but I missed our walks. So one day I just sort of went out and meandered around the block alone.   

I’m not sure the woman’s name, she was always the “widow in the California rancher” to Rex and me. I’m not sure how long I was staring at her, but when she saw me looking up at her from down on the street, I waved and smiled. Her bobbed silver hair stayed firm and rigid as the rest of her frame before scowling and closing the drapes. She’d outed me.

    I know, I know....some sort of shame-filled knot should have welled deep inside and pushed up my throat....but it didn’t.
    On my next walk, I waited until the cover of darkness and made a routine. Microwave dinner with the newly divorced father at 7pm, Law and Order with the widow in the rancher at 9pm, watch the woman with the beige trim around her windows cry on the phone at 10:30, and finally--the news at 11 with an old man sleeping in front his television. And here I am now, fogging up the window of a man who may as well be me in 10 years. Watching him breath and adjust his hips so his slouching paunch rests easier between his legs. I don’t want his sordid secrets or to know anything about him really. I’m just doing the same thing he is, aren’t I? Coping.
   

Psychic Grandpa

These are words to a country song I wrote a long time ago while driving to Lewiston, ID alone in my car. I tend to find humor in different forms of addiction and gambling is great because of all the wacky superstitions...like maybe your senile, geriatric grandpa is a winner-picker.

CHORUS
I got a psychic grandpa
He sees the future, but he don’t remember what he saw
He’s my psychic grandpa
Yeah my psychic grandpa
END CHORUS

He’d be great for making calls in football
……..If he only recall
He’ d be great at the race track
But he’s alway’s having some kind of cardiac attack

Hey Grandpa! Can you predict when you’re gonna die
‘Cause we’ve been wonderin’ why you’re still alive
Hey-Ay-Ay Grandpa. I need 10 grand and I need it fast
Can you tell me how long your gonna last. (And am I still in the will?)

CHORUS

He’d be great on wall street
But he’s always fallin’ fast asleep
He’d be great at the lottery
If he wasn’t always fillin’ his diapy

Whoa Grandpa please don’t forget the winning bet.
You know I’m crippled with gambling debt
Oh -oh oh papa! Loan me money. For the love of god please!
They said they were gonna break my knees (If I don’t pay up}

CHORUS



           

To whom it may concern P2

When my friend Lawra Gosslin-Harris wrote a letter about a woman who got her car towed, I wanted to reply from the perspective from the guy who towed the car.


Harry “the hydraulics guy” Foster
Hydraulics Plus INC
5507 E. Desmet Ave
Spokane Valley, WA 99212
giterdone783@aol.com

Mrs. Carol June Parker

November 16, 2011

RE: Parking Spot Tow.

Dear Mrs. Parker:

I’m sorry that your friend’s car was towed away by my friend, Tucker. He owns Tucker’s Towing and I’m Harry the hydraulics guy. It’s kind of our thing. First off I’d like you to know that I do work in a lofty profession - namely we work on the large hydraulics which put cars in the air. So yes we are quite literally in a “lofty” profession. Get it? Ha!

You and I will more than likely never be friends, but I still find humor helpful when two people such as us are simply not going to see eye to eye. Unfortunately even though you may get the above joke, you do not seem to get the the demand of a needy mistress known as the hydraulics industry. Your count is right Mrs. Parker, I have 6 parking spots which I pay dearly for and when people ignore the clear signage I’ve posted there are consequences.

And yes, I’m familiar with mommy cars. I have three children of my own drawing child support on a bi-weekly basis so I do not need any education on that matter, thank you.  I can hear what you’re saying, “How does he think spreading out a payment between three mothers help those poor kids at all.” Well the hydraulics industry is very good to me and I do my best to take care of mine. You’ve got to pay to play, I always say.  You act as though I’ve violated the sense of safety for those children, but they’ll just eat a few boogers and forget all about it. Did you even think about me? Did you Mrs. Parker? Ever since I saw that mini van parked out in our spot, I’ve begun to compulsively and obsessively check out my window to make sure others are not stealing our spots. Let me tell you, it is taking a toll on my business. My nephew Donny who is my apprentice needs constant supervision due to a industrial accident he experienced working with a boat tarp sewing machine. With the looming threat of mommies taking our spots, my head has just not been in the game and I’ve not been able to keep as keen of an eye on him as I need to.

Okay, so maybe, just maybe I went a little too far, but to understand why I take my business so seriously, I should address a comment you made in your letter about my mother. My mother, god bless her sweet soul, was extremely proud of me before passing away four months ago. You see in my twenties I was a functioning meth addict - working in shops for cash to duck child support until I lost 3 feet of my small intestine from swallowing balloons of methamphetamine before getting on an airplane to visit my mother in Indianapolis.  While at the hospital, my mom offered to help me get on my feet with a loan to open my own shop and I turned my life around then and there. So yes she is proud of me. Or....at least she was. Till her dying day she thought I had come in to a string of bad luck before she loaned me the money. I told her the operation was due to a piece of hambone I swallowed while eating soup. She never new about the drugs.

Unlike Penny’s kids I didn’t have a great life with a mini van driving mother or a father in my life. She’s lucky to have such a good husband, hopefully she’s able to come home to him every night and not accidentally park three houses down to sleep with an elderly neighbor.

Well I imagine you’ll never want to use our services which will probably be a relief to my neighboring businesses since you’d more than likely park in their spots when you come to get your complimentary 20 ton bottle jack which I’d like to offer you as my apologies.


Good luck to you,


Harry “The hydraulics guy” Foster

To whom it may concern P1.

 This piece is by my friend Lawra Gosslin-Harris. She wrote it after one of her friends got towed. From what I understand, it offered comfort to the friend. My response as the owner of the hydraulics shop will be posted next week.

Kia: the maker of Mommy cars.

Mrs. Carol June Parker

November 15, 2011


Safe and Sound Hydraulics INC
507 N. Division Street
Spokane, WA 99323


To Whom it may concern:


Hello there. Hello sellers of hydraulic equipment. What a lofty profession you are in. Your mothers must be so proud of what you do. I can only hope that you take pride in your own work. It is so important I am sure. Well it must be since it is so imperative that you keep your parking lot (six spaces if I counted right) free and clear of all non-hydraulic business. My goodness, if someone that needed their hydraulic equipment fixed were unable to choose from any of those 6 spots, most of which I noticed were empty most of the time, then my goodness gracious, the world would come to a grinding halt. You people are holding the fate of the world in your hands!! Aren’t you? Maybe you are the first stop for Jesus Christ when he returns to earth? Is that why you have to have all of your spaces open? He must need to drive a stretch limo right?


The reason I am asking all of these questions is because on December 11, 2011 you, meaning one of your employees, decided that your holy parking lot had been defiled and that the offensive vehicle had to be removed by a tow truck. The unholy vehicle was a blue, 2011 Kia Sedona.  A Mini-van. A Mini-van with a child’s safety seat in it. You see, you did not tow a drug dealers clunky- meth-stained-used condom and needle filled car away from your precious place of business. You hauled away a MOMMY CAR!!!!!!!!!!!


What is a MOMMY CAR you ask? I am not surprised that you have this question. From your actions I must  assume that all of you were test tube babies and raised by robots that used hydraulics. Right? You are all clones created by the robots to maintain them. Let me explain to you what a MOMMY CAR is. A MOMMY CAR is a home on wheels designed not only to transport a mother and her child or children to and from places outside of the home but it is also there as a form of protection. A MOMMY CAR is an extention of a mommy, her weapon of choice to defend her children from the world. It has things like bandaids, extra diapers, extra wipes, gold fish snacks, juice boxes, the child’s favorite toy, cell phones, emergency cash, mace, blankets, shovels, books to read, the favorite music of the child, ect., ect.. All of these are in addition to the very important function mentioned before and that is A WAY HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


When you towed that blue, 2011 Kia Sedona, that MOMMY CAR, away, you intentionally put that car’s driver, my friend Penny in peril. You also put my friend Penny’s son Clayton’s life in harms way. Do you understand that a child must sit in a child’s car seat when riding in car? How was Penny supposed to get Clayton home? Were they supposed to walk? Did you even care? I can answer that question myself because I know that you did not.  You knew that the Penny was next door at Spokane Gymnastics with Clayton because they are parked right next to you and it would have only take 30 steps to walk over and let the receptionist know that your company was going to tow away Penny’s car. My friend would have been very apologetic to you and moved it quickly and with remorse. You instead towed away the safety of a child and put a child and his mother in danger just so you could feel justified because they were taking up one of your precious parking spaces. My friend was lucky and had a husband to call who was able to pick them up with an extra child’s car seat. She then was blessed with a $215.00 for the towing of her car. Does that make you feel good? How many other mothers have you tried to destroy with your arrogant actions. Were they as lucky as Penny? How many single moms have you carelessly hurt? Moms that most likely scrape up what little extra money they have to get gymnastics lessons for their children, to support the dreams of their precious kids and then you go and smash them with this towing away business and they go in debt in order to retreive their cars. Then they lose their homes because they can’t pay the rent and then they are all on the street. When they are all homeless can they pitch a tent in your parking lot? Or would you tow them away then too?

I am just a simple mother. I have no idea how to get justice for my friend from people like you.  Let me warn you though:


There are many things in this world that will bring bad Karma on someone. Towing away a MOMMY CAR when you could have clearly warned that mommy is one of them. I do believe that one of the secret chapters in Dante’s Inferno had a special level of hell just for people that do what you did. I do not know how you can go to sleep at night. I hope the hydraulic robots put a special dreamless sleep potion in your IV drip before you turn out the light in your cage. 


I will never bring my hydraulic needs to your place of business.


Disrespectfully yours,


Mrs. Carol June Parker