How to Pick up Guys

I've written some mock personal ads lately and thought it would be good time to post a piece sent to me by a fellow improviser. This is written by a gal named Devin Devine, which sounds like a stipper name so it's perfect for the piece. Here is her explanation for the inspiration:

This was one of the most personal writing experiences I've had. In high school, this was what I did in attempts to finding my "special someone," and ended up being emptier than before.


How to Pick Up Guys
by Devin Devine  

Step #6
“My mom is almost home.” These will be the five words that will get any boy, man, or nameless face out of your bed – without question. As soon as they were dropped to his ankles, the jeans will be buckled, his feet crammed into his tennis shoes, and he’ll be out the sliding glass door – just as the garage door opens.

But the garage door will not open.

You will stare at your room, at the sheets, at your body, and suddenly the machine kicks in. You make the bed, you unmake the bed, you take a shower, you scrub, you shave, you wish you wouldn’t have shaved, you dry off, you still feel dirty, you brush your hair, and then you will sit in the front of the computer at the desk. Click, click, nothing. You will then read online articles about how to get the perfect butt. You will look at your butt.

It’s not perfect. It’s better than perfect.
He’s perfect.

He won’t appear online today.
He won’t send you a text tomorrow.
He might make eye contact next Monday.

But when he doesn’t, go back to the list. Go back to the beginning. Repeat steps one through six.

Step #4
This is the most pivotal moment in the entire process. You cannot lose him now. Everybody can see what’s happening, but it’s all down to this.
You must be 100% committed. He won’t be yet. But you must be. Be yourself. Be her. Be forward. Always pose with 100% enthusiasm. His will look like all the others. If he doesn’t return the favor, repeat step three or skip to step six. Act quickly. He might realize. Before it’s too late. But you must be better than the rest.

Little did you know, the rest are –

“You’re amazing. Oh my god. I’ve never felt something like that before!”

Never send the same photo twice.

Step #1
“Just look at those eyes!” You nod. You smile. You can tell he has a decently sized penis. You hope it isn’t too big, or too small, or too round, or too short.

Your whisper is too loud, “He’s got nice eyes, but look at that ass.”

His friend heard you.
His friend knows Kyle. Kyle knows Danny. And Danny and Paul played varsity football since freshmen year.

Paul wasn’t circumcised.
But you didn’t know that before Brit told you on the bus ride to the State Tournament. Brit and Paul dated for eight months. She didn’t see it until five.

It’s been five months since –

You’ve come a long way.

Step #3
“You look…tired,” your friends, your teachers, your parents will say. You look at the ground, and nod. “Late night.” With your door snugly shut, your fingers shaking as you dial. You’re breathing heavy and have to catch yourself as the dialing stops and his voice is there on the other hand - You whisper. He whispers. Your little secret. “Our little secret.”

Step #5
Time. Date. Place. Immediacy is key.
Get a ride home. After school, after practice. He’ll have a car.

They all have cars.

Step #2

Flirtation is key. You must be direct, but you can’t be explicit. But you should swear. Say fuck. Say shit. Don’t smoke? You do now. Don’t drink? Every weekend.
You’ve never tried - You’ve done it all and can do it well.
The guru. The best.
That’s what you’ll tell him. You won’t believe it, as you say it, but you’ll tell him, “I’m not like every other girl. I’m different. I’ve got a trick or two. And I’ll rock your world.”
Meanwhile, the rock in your stomach is shrinking, acid eating the morality away. Smile. Cock your head. Sway.