Man Auction

I wrote this and the TMI Auctioneer sketch after going to an auction to benefit a volunteer fire department in very rural Stevens County. The firemen are mainly comprised of men ages 50-65 and they seem to eat a lot of pancakes together and play with fire engines until, every once in a while, the shit hits the fan.

We went to this auction around the same time that my wife began experimenting with Mommy Groups before she found a group of mom-friends. I still hope that they do something like this to raise money one day.

Noreen Campbell: Head of a Mommy’s Night Out Club
David Campbell: Noreen’s slightly younger cousin

As lights come up we see Noreen Campbell at a podium with a gavel. Behind her is a handmade banner reading “Mommy’s Night out auction.” On the podium are some papers where she’s keeping notes. The scene begins at the end of an auction held to raise money for a Mommy’s Night out Club.

Noreen Campbell: (applauding) Thank you Kathy for that generous bid. You’ll be able to collect your pies from Plainview Café at 511 N. Market. And let’s have a hand for Plainview Café and all the donors that have made tonight possible (applauds again).

She shuffles through notes.

I don’t want to get you gals too excited but it looks like we’re only $50 dollars away from our target, which we all know what that means. Time to bring back Margarita Monday! Whoa! Knock Knock. Who’s that at the door? Oh it’s my Latino Lover, Jose Quervo. Shhhh don’t tell Hank. (amused with  her own joke) Oh Kay. Well we are at our grand finale of the night. I know a lot of you single moms have been looking forward to this. My cousin who just this much younger than me (makes inch symbol with fingers) who at one point – yes that’s right ladies – was a professional male model has agreed to let us auction off a date with him tonight. Let’s have a round of applause for my cousin, Dave Campbell.

Dave Campell struts in, he is well groomed and wearing fashionable casual attire. He waves and takes his position, standing near the podium awaiting the bidding.

Dave Campbell: Technically I was a trade show attendant, but I did get the job through a modeling agency. That was (beat) quiet some time ago. But I’d still love to do that kind of work.

NC: Unnn huh. Why don’t we just say you were a male model okay David.

DC: Umm. Okay.

NC: Now ladies I know most of you are married so if you’re thinking that your hubby wouldn’t want you bidding on live human man, keep in mind he’s volunteered at least five hours of his time and he is pretty handy around the house.

DC smiles and flexes his muscles

Calm down David. Now for you single moms out there he is available and a pretty good tango dancer.

DC does a little dance

NC: (scolding) Calm down David.

DC: (confused) I’m sorry.

NC: Also ladies David is in impeccable health. He really takes care of himself. David why
don’t you show the ladies, go ahead turn around.

DC begins to turn around.

NC: Slower.

DC follows instructions

NC: Now ladies we are very lucky to have an actual professional male model with us, what do you say we take advantage of it? David take your shirt off.

DC: What?!

NC: Go ahead take off your shirt.

DC: (hesitant) Ummmm Ohh Kay.

DC begins taking his shirt off, NC stops him just before it comes completely off. He is standing in place with his shirt half way up his torso.

NC: Whoa, Whoa, what happened to you? You’re hangin’ over your pants. What happened to you six pack?

DC: I haven’t modeled for almost 7 years Noreen.

NC: Be that as it may I do have some good news for all you single moms.

DC puts shirt back on and tries to maintain a happy face.

NC: I have right here a copy of David’s most recent clinical STD test and he is clean as a whistle.

DC: How did you get that-

NC: A few years ago he had Chlamydia but a little penicillin cleared that right up ladies, and I have the documentation to prove it.

DC: (upset) Noreen-

NC: (direct) Dave you are a lot cuter when you don’t talk. Why don’t you turn around one more time (he follows directions) Now stop

DC stops with back facing the audience

NC: Now if you could David just bend over for us.

DC: (Irritated) Noreen this is getting a little degrading.

NC: David do I need to remind you why you’re here?
Against his will DC follow directions

NC: Since I’m David’s cousin it would be unnatural for me to “test” the merchandise. Can I get one of you ladies to show how smackable this tushy is? Come on ladies this bottom isn’t going pinch itself.

DC: Noreen!

NC: David!

Long glare. Noreen gets a female audience member.

NC: Now what is your name? (gets name of audience member) Hi dear, I’m Noreen. Our group is so just getting so big I have so many of you to meet. Now feel free to smack, tickle, prod or poke the “merchandise.”

During the testing DC tries to be a good sport but cannot hide his distain for the situation.

NC: Thanks you, let’s give her a round of applause. (claps) Alright, let’s start the bidding at 15 dollars. Do I have 15 dollars
The bidding part of the auction will be improvised.

NC: Wow. Way to go everyone! That’s everything. If you bought something make sure to pay Jeana before you go home. Let’s have another round of applause for all the donors who made tonight possible and remember to RSVP on the forum for the book club night. We still need someone to bring chips and another person to bring Daiquiri mix. Don’t worry though we have plenty of Rum thanks to Jeana. Thanks again ladies.
Lights out.