TMI auctioneer

Two things I love are auctioneer-based humor and Kids in the Hall. Kids in the Hall used to have one to two minutes sketches threaded between the longer parts of the show. I guess that is what I'm going for here - just a snapshot. I got into auctioneer-based humor shortly after going to an auction held to support rural volunteer firefighters. None of them were under the age of 55. Message taken: don't get caught in a fire in Colville, WA fire district 85.

Any decent auctioneer is also a cowboy.

Clay Hiskins – Auctioneer with a western style about him and little in the way of an edit mode

Mary Plainworth  - The Master of Ceremonies at District Nine’s volunteer firefighter auction

Auctioneer Clay Hiskins, stands off to the side while MC Mary Plainworth addresses the audience. Clay is dressed in a cowboy hat, jeans which are a bit too tight, and a belt buckle large enough to double as a trash can lid. Bonus points if his belly pushes into the belt buckle just a bit to make it appear as if he has not been able to buy pants in a very long time and has outgrown them somewhat.

Mary: Okay I hope everyone has finished their food because it is time for our main event. I know a lot of you are very excited so we’ll get right to it. We have received a record number of donations for this year’s auction and we hope to exceed last year but we’ll have to raise more than $5000! And keep in mind that 100 percent goes straight to the volunteer firefighter program. Everything you see here today was donated so let’s dig deep and see how much we can raise for District Nine. What do you say?

Applause

So to help us out we’ve got - for the fifth straight year in a row - Clay Hiskins. Clay is a professional auctioneer with a degree from the Missouri Auctioneer School of Auctioneering.

Clay nods to affirm this

He tours all over the US doing livestock auctions and he’s generously donated his time today so keep in mind he does accept tips.

Clay nods again

Okay put your hands together for Mr. Clay Hiskins.

Applause

Clay: Thank you, Thank you. I appreciate that Mary. Well I’m not much of talker ‘less I’m auctioneerin’ so whadya say we get started? Mary what do we got first?

Mary reaches backstage and pulls out an embroidered pillow with a tag, hands it to Clay.

Clay: Okay we got a real nice embroidered pillow here donated from. (Twists pillow to find tag) Leanne Waverly. So let’s start at $5. What do you say to $5 for this beautiful pillow which reminds me of the pillow I use to practice my tongue kisses on? (Responds to bid) I’ve got $5 over there, how ‘bout  ten dolla’ ten dolla, ten dolla for this pretty Frenching pillow? (Responds to bid) Ten dollars over there. Do I hear 15, 15 dollars 15 dolla? Goooing once. Going twice, and SOLD for 10 dollars to the lovely young lady over there.  

 Points to an elderly woman.

What is next Miss Mary?

Mary hands him a two tickets

Okay looks like the Walkers have donated their cabin on the Oregon Coast for a weekend in August. (Checks tag for description) Looks like they’ll put you up for two nights on the lovely Oregon Coast. What do you say we start the bidding at 100 dollars? Do I – I see one hundred? (Responds to bid)  TWO  hundred dollars? Can I have two hundred? Two hundred. (Responds to bid)  TWO Hundred. Do I have two fifty?  Two fifty? Two fifty for a trip to the beautiful Oregon Coast where I lost my virginity to an older woman.  Two fifty? (Responds to a bid) We’ve got two fifty. Do I have three hundred, three hundred? (Responds to a bid) THREEE hundred, do I have three fifty for romantic weekend in the same coastline where my mom’s friend seduced me on a moonlit sandy beach. (Responds to a bid) There’s three fifty. Do I have four? Do I have Four?  Looking for four hundred dollars. (Scans audience for a bid) And going once, twice and (Pause) SOLD to the gentleman with the Denver Broncos hat.