Suicide Hot Line

I wrote this a few years ago for a sketch show and it was never used. The idea for this sketch came to me when my grandmother complained about having to press to for English. I thought what if you had to do that for a Suicide Hotline, then I trashed that idea in hopes to take it a step further.


A short sketch

Lesley:  a trouble person
Pat: a soft spoken suicide hot line counselor

Blackout.

Sounds of a phone dialing

Pat: Hello Suicide hot line.

Lights up. The stage has two chairs at opposite ends, at SL is the Lesley on a cell phone, sitting and bent over. He’s been crying. At SR is Pat sitting at a desk with a phone on top of it. Throughout the beginning of the sketch Lesley is experiencing intense remorse and sadness.

Lesley:  Umm...hello?

Pat: Hi this is the suicide hot line, are you in immediate danger?

Lesley: Umm.. What do you mean?

Pat: Are you currently in a position to hurt yourself or another person?

Lesley: Oh. No. I…Nothing like that. (beat)  I’m just not...thinking right..

Pat: Let me have your first name.

Lesley: It’s Lesley.

Pat: Good Lesley, my name is Pat. Now tell me (beat) how it is you think you screwed up?

Lesley: Ohhhh. I lost my job about three months ago. I – I told my wife I got laid off but I (pause) I got fired.

Pat: Why did you get fired?

Lesley: (ashamed) I was drinking on the job.

Pat: Have you been drinking today?

Lesley: No. That’s what made me want to call I’m not thinking right and I’m sober. I just don’t know what to do.

Pat: So you’ve been out of work for three months?

Lesley: Not completely. I got a job to pay the bills, but when I was off work, I-I (breaks into tears) I cheated on my wife.

Pat: Does she know?

Lesley: She found out three days ago and…she …took the kids.

Pat: You have kids?

Lesley: Yeah…two. (pause) I just don’t know if Michelle will forgive me or if when I’ll see them
again. (choking up) I’m just ashamed and confused and guilty and I’m not thinking right. I don’t
know what to do. I don’t know how to handle this I-

Lesley pulls a picture out of his pocket, it’s obvious he’s been looking at it a lot.

Pat: Lesley, What are your children’s’ names?

Lesley: Jenna is my oldest she is 6 and my baby boy is three. His name is Andrew.

Pat: Do you have a picture of them?

Lesley: (smiles through tears) Yeah. I’m actually looking at it right now.

Pat: Good. Good. Now why don’t you look at that picture and tell me a memory you have with your children.

Lesley: Well.... (sniffs loudly) the other day we were at the park and Jenna was pushing Drew on the swing and gave him an underdog – you know where you run under the swing?

Pat: (kindly) Oh I remember.

Lesley: Well Drew flipped over and landed on his head and before we could over to him (laughing
through his tears) he jumped up and yelled “I’m okay.” It was (beat) really cute.

Pat: That’s nice.  Are you looking at the photo right now?

Lesley: Yeah.

Pat: You need to remember that no matter what happens in your marriage, you still have those children.

Lesley: Yeah.

Pat: They need you and it’s even though it’s hard to look beyond the way you feel right now, it will pass and the dust will eventually settle. You need to be around for those kids.

Lesley: Yeah.

Pat: Do you know where they are?

Lesley: I think Michelle took them to her mom’s house.

Pat: Have you tried calling?

Lesley: No I don’t want to face talking to my mother in law.

Pat: Okay. Why don’t you make plans to call them tomorrow and check in. (beat) Mother in Law be damned.

Lesley: (smiling) Yeah Okay. Thank you so much. I’ve been here by myself for three days just wallowing in this mess and I don’t have any perspective. Thank you... I actually feel a lot better. Thank you so much

Pat: That’s why where here. Lesley, I don’t want to let you go until I’m sure that you’re okay. May I ask you a few question before we go?

Lesley: Yeah. Of course.

Pat: Okay Lesley, how would you rate the level of service you received from the Suicide Hot Line today on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being excellent, 1 being poor?

Lesley: What?

Pat: I’m sorry Lesley I just have a few questions before I can let you go.


Lesley: Okay …ummmm which one was good?

Pat: It’s a scale from one to five, five being excellent, one being poor.

Lesley: Five.

Pat: (flattered) Oh thank you. Now how serious of a risk did you pose to yourself today on a scale of one to five, five being a serious risk, one being a very low risk.

Lesley: (hesitant) I guess a two.

Pat: Just for your information that rating is labeled as (checking a laminated piece of paper in front of her) a shallow cry for help. Does that sound about right?

Lesley: I think so. I mean I just needed to talk to someone.

Pat: Okay good, good. I just want to make sure I’m accurately recording your answer. I have one more question. How well do you feel we resolved your problem today on a scale from one to five, five being absolutely, one being not at all.

Lesley: I don’t know…A four.

Pat: A four? So we mostly resolved your issue today?

Lesley: Well my wife still may leave me.

Pat: (kindly)  Lesley, you did cheat on her, not to mention the drinking at work Lesley. I mean I’m not a miracle worker. Considering what I had to work with…well I just want to make sure I’m accurately recording your answer. (kind disdain) And that answer is (beat) four?

Lesley: If it matters that much I guess it’s a five.

Pat: (flattered) Oh thank you. Now before I let you go I must let you know we are a non-profit organization that relies on corporate sponsorships and I need to ask if you’re interested in giving me your email so I can send you Hormel Chili coupons and a chance to win 1000 dollars?

Lesley: (disgust) No. No I’m not interested. I’m going now.

Pat: Thank you for calling the Suicide Hot Line

Black Out.