Dear Kingdom Insurance

I wrote this quite a few years ago when I began overseeing the insurance policy for my employer. Also I'd just had a few relatives get treated for colon cancer. FUN!

Dear Kingdom Insurance

Hello, this is Bruce Allabaster, a customer of Kingdom for 3.5 years, you may know me better as GRP # 2320348957. Ha! That’s a little insurance humor. I’m writing to let Kingdom know that I’ve appreciated the service and professionalism your company has provided me for the past 3.5 years. My prescriptions drugs never cost me more than a measely $20 copay and I certainly took advantage of the 80% percent Kingdom pays in hospital bills when I accidentally swallowed pond water last summer. When I started as a general supervisor at Ledsom’s Telemarketing Services and became eligible for insurance, my parents were happy to finally take me off their policy.  And I’ll have to be frank with you, I was happy too. No longer could they hold that nugget of health over my head. However, I will admit, I was a little confused. The world of medical insurance was so new and confusing to me. But it doesn’t take a super knowledgeable insurance-type person to know tons about what company to select. In my humble opinion, Ledson’s absolutely made the right choice when thay chose Kingdom as the insurance provider. In fact, once I quit typing these very letters on this very page my next letter is going straight to management to praise their selection of insurance providers. Now I just need two stamps. Can you spare some change? Ha! That’s just a postal joke. Whoa! I’m going postal. Ha! But seriously, even though you raised your rates by %18 last January, which us employees at Ledson’s were forced to absorb from our pay, I  wouldn’t choose any other insurance company. That is, if I was able to make any signifigant choices. I offer a heartfelt thank you to Kingdom Insurance. Thank you.

However this letter isn’t all praises and thank you. The second purpose of my letter is to campaign Kingdom to provide me with the same great health care as always. No I’m n not looking for any special treatment or anything, I just want to have some preventative maintenance. See, I’m hoping to get a colonoscopy, even though my policy states, “Kingdom insurance will  not cover any procedure deemed cosmetic or unnecessary for the contuied health of our clients. “ (Section 1A pg. 32, Kingdom’s Guide to Knowing your Insurance Policy).

I know what you’re thinking: What is GRP # 2320348957 doing getting a colonoscopy. He’s only 26. He’s so healthy, so young, so…so…vigously fit. Well, yes I am all of those things, but my family had quiet a scare the summer before last when my uncle – only 34 years old – was diagnosed with colon cancer and underwent  a partial colonectomy along with chemotherapy treatments. It was no walk in the park, let me tell you. I’m not sure how the procedure was  done, but he did tell me the doctor replaced parts of his colon with specially molded brass. Now I don’t know if he was joshing me – you see, us Allabasters are a kidding bunch - but I have no reason to not trust a sick individual.

Thankfully, removing his colon and replacing it with a prosthetic organ constructed mainly out of spare French horn parts worked for him. However, I don’t want to wait around to see if I’m as lucky. I’d just like to nip this thing in the bud, or butt, or at least let’s scrape this thing in the pollup – Ha! That’s a little Colonoscopy humor. I always like to start and end letters with a little joke. Well, I’ll be awaiting your reply with baited breath, so please respond quickly

Thank you

Bruce