Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Chelada Review



This is a bit of a stretch, but I'll put it on my blog since it's my blog and no one else really ever read this.  It was a food review I submitted to McSweeneys back when they did food review. I can honestly call this fiction because I actually LOVE Cheladas--but I guess that would make this creative non-fiction. Anyway enjoy. 

In the Northwest, specifically in Washington State, we have a drink called Red Beer. In most Washington bars this drink requires no explanation – the same goes for Idaho.  I have yet to order this beer-variation in Oregon, but I imagine it would go over well in The Beaver State also.
            I do not truly believe Red Beer is a regional Northwest drink, but my wife and I run into problems whenever we leave the Pacific Northwest. In Santa Cruz, California; Denver, Colorado, Daytona, Florida; Manhattan, New York; and in Washington D.C. we have had the same conversation.
            “It’s just beer and tomato juice,” we instruct the barkeep politely.
            “What kind of beer?”  The question is always slow and suspicious. The barkeep may as well be a priest confirming he heard some horrible confession correctly. How many bodies?
            “Just something light and domestic: Coors Light or Bud Light.”
            Whenever I feel a little randy I’ll even ask for a dollop of Tabasco.  Red Beer is a painfully unhip thing to order, even in its native Northwest. I’m not sure if the tomato juice grosses people out or if it is a snooty factor due to the domestic beer – either way I rarely order Red Beer in mixed company for fear I may need to explain the drink to some disgusted person I’m only meeting for the first time.  So imagine my delight when I discovered that Budweiser came out with a version of Red Beer: The Chelada. The Chelada has been grossing people out for a little while now, but since I rarely go into gas stations or grocery stores this wonderful little product escaped my discovery.
            The drink comes in a can no smaller than 16 oz and has a very familiar look to it from years of Budweiser branding. On the can is a picture of a glass with something red inside it and the word, “Chelada!” is at a slight angle with an accent over the “a,” giving the can an exotic, Latin feel. In loud boxy letters between “Budweiser” and “Chelada” is the word CLAMATO. As an ardent consumer of tomato juice I am familiar with Clamato. Long ago, when I would frequent grocery stores, I remember it sitting calmly next to the V8’s and the generic tomato juices. The ingredients are not complex: tomato juice, clam juice.
            As with any new brand of beer I slowly roll the cylinder in my hand, looking for the caloric information when a single sentence hit me. The sentence was lonely on the mostly silver Chelada can.  Amongst the listing of ingredients and the Budweiser contact information it simply stated, “May contain shellfish.” It is the kind of sentence that demands full attention. The rest of the can becomes a blur; even my much anticipated NPR hourly news update becomes nothing more than a murmur in the background as I drive down Highway 27.  The subsequent sip was very much like Red Beer, but salty. Perhaps a sub category of salty would define it better: brine. Yes, that’s it: Chelada tastes of brine… and, is that…why yes it is – just a hint of aluminum.
            I hesitate to give Chelada a favorable review because I do not want other to try it and then question – heavily – my culinary tastes.  I will say that the Chelada is not a substitute for Red Beer and I’m certain in small quantities will cause moderate bowel problems. Yet the Chelada is what it is – no secrets: Budweiser and Clamato and, to quote the can: “con sal y limon.” Those unfamiliar to the Chelada will not need an explanation as to what it is I’m drinking – they can see for themselves that I am a connoisseur of exotic Latin flavors and therefore I’m sure in the future, especially in mixed company, it will find its way into my hand again.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Gym Commercial: Turn on the New You


 This is from a commercial I wrote on spec that never was shown to anyone. It was from a time when I thought I could transition into ad writing. I wrote this after I lost of a bunch of "sympathy weight" I gained after my first son was born. 

Stroh’s Gym – “Turn on the New You”

Man – A Man who is a bit of a couch potato
Active Man – A healthier version of Man
*Note – Man and Active Man would be played by the same actor.

Scene 1. APARTMENT COMPLEX EXTERIOR: A small apartment complex consisting of 1 and 2 bedroom apartments with a few car ports. Some apartments have BBQ units outside and one has a faded plastic tricycle.

Man pulls his car into his car port. The car is an older, used car which he has to manually lock. Man walks away from car up sidewalk

Scene 2. INTERIOR OF MAN’S APARTMENT: The apartment is small with the kitchen, living room and entryway all in one space with a hallway leading to the bedroom. There are no decorations on the wall. The sink is full of dishes and there is junk food on the counter of the kitchen. The nicest parts of the apartment are the couch and the large television.

Man enters, grabs a bag of chips off the counter, sits on couch, grabs remote, opens bag of chips and vegetates.
Active Man walks in from the hallway wearing workout gear, stretches and pays no attention to Man sitting on the couch. Active Man exits through the front door.
Man still vegetates, changes the channel, he pours the remainder of the chips into his mouth and begins to lick his fingers. Light passes across Man as he sits vegetating on the couch
Active Man enters from hallway now dressed in a different workout gear, he moves quickly as he cleans dishes and puts some fruit on the counter. Man shifts weight and struggles to grab a candy bar from his pocket without getting up. He opens candy bar and begins to eat it. Active Man, walks over to the couch, grabs remote and turns off the TV. Man and Active Man look at one another, Active Man points remote at Man and when Active Man presses a button on the remote, Man disappears.

Announcer:  Turn on the new you. At Stroh’s Fitness.

Active Man grabs workout bag and exits.


Scene 3. INTERIOR SHOTS OF STROH’S FITNESS. Graphics with contact info and current pricing specials appear over the shots of interior.

Announcer: Stroh’s Fitness includes a full track overlooking four tennis courts, the latest aerobic and strength training machines, free weights, and a staff of certified instructors. Come turn on the new you at Stroh’s Fitness.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Dear Kingdom Insurance




I wrote this quite a few years ago when I began overseeing the insurance policy for my employer. Also I'd just had a few relatives get treated for colon cancer. FUN!


Dear Kingdom Insurance

Hello, this is Bruce Allabaster, a customer of Kingdom for 3.5 years, you may know me better as GRP # 2320348957. Ha! That’s a little insurance humor. I’m writing to let Kingdom know that I’ve appreciated the service and professionalism your company has provided me for the past 3.5 years. My prescriptions drugs never cost me more than a measely $20 copay and I certainly took advantage of the 80% percent Kingdom pays in hospital bills when I accidentally swallowed pond water last summer. When I started as a general supervisor at Ledsom’s Telemarketing Services and became eligible for insurance, my parents were happy to finally take me off their policy.  And I’ll have to be frank with you, I was happy too. No longer could they hold that nugget of health over my head. However, I will admit, I was a little confused. The world of medical insurance was so new and confusing to me. But it doesn’t take a super knowledgeable insurance-type person to know tons about what company to select. In my humble opinion, Ledson’s absolutely made the right choice when thay chose Kingdom as the insurance provider. In fact, once I quit typing these very letters on this very page my next letter is going straight to management to praise their selection of insurance providers. Now I just need two stamps. Can you spare some change? Ha! That’s just a postal joke. Whoa! I’m going postal. Ha! But seriously, even though you raised your rates by %18 last January, which us employees at Ledson’s were forced to absorb from our pay, I  wouldn’t choose any other insurance company. That is, if I was able to make any signifigant choices. I offer a heartfelt thank you to Kingdom Insurance. Thank you.

However this letter isn’t all praises and thank you. The second purpose of my letter is to campaign Kingdom to provide me with the same great health care as always. No I’m n not looking for any special treatment or anything, I just want to have some preventative maintenance. See, I’m hoping to get a colonoscopy, even though my policy states, “Kingdom insurance will  not cover any procedure deemed cosmetic or unnecessary for the contuied health of our clients. “ (Section 1A pg. 32, Kingdom’s Guide to Knowing your Insurance Policy).

I know what you’re thinking: What is GRP # 2320348957 doing getting a colonoscopy. He’s only 26. He’s so healthy, so young, so…so…vigously fit. Well, yes I am all of those things, but my family had quiet a scare the summer before last when my uncle – only 34 years old – was diagnosed with colon cancer and underwent  a partial colonectomy along with chemotherapy treatments. It was no walk in the park, let me tell you. I’m not sure how the procedure was  done, but he did tell me the doctor replaced parts of his colon with specially molded brass. Now I don’t know if he was joshing me – you see, us Allabasters are a kidding bunch - but I have no reason to not trust a sick individual.
Thankfully, removing his colon and replacing it with a prosthetic organ constructed mainly out of spare French horn parts worked for him. However, I don’t want to wait around to see if I’m as lucky. I’d just like to nip this thing in the bud, or butt, or at least let’s scrape this thing in the pollup – Ha! That’s a little Colonoscopy humor. I always like to start and end letters with a little joke. Well, I’ll be awaiting your reply with baited breath, so please respond quickly

Thank you
Bruce

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Shit Mountain - Live!



A stand-up comic friend of mine, Michael Glatzmaier, and I retooled my previous song post Shit Mountain for a celebrity-style roast of the owner of Uncle Dee's comedy club. It turned out pretty well! Mike is the boss. Check out his YouTube Channel if you have a chance!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Grit Feldman: Candy Detective P4

This is the last installment of Grit Feldman where he begins his first case. It's national novel writing month (NANO) and I thought it be fun to post these four parts of a kids book I started a long time ago.

Check out parts 1-3

Read Part 1
Read Part 2
Read Part 3



  Normally my dad was a patient man, but after hosing me off in the backyard for almost an hour, he’d gone redder than a Hot Tamale melting in the fire. “Greyton,” he said soft and slow, “where did you get the hats for your little experiment.”
    I sat silent for a while and then looked behind me. “I’m sorry,” I said, “are you talking to me?”
    “Yes. I’m talking to you Greyton.”
    “I’m not sure who Greyton is. My name is Grit,” I corrected him. I was surprised to see how quickly he’d forgotten.
    My mom snapped her hand up over her mouth to quiet her whip crack laugh. “Remember dear,” she said with her lips peeking over the palm of her hand, “he just creative.”
    “Greyt-” my dad stopped to correct himself, “Grit?”
    “Yes?” I replied right away.
    “Where did you get the hats?”
    “Don’t worry dad, I used the old ones on the bookshelf in your office. The old ones next to the baseballs with all the scribbling on them.”
    My mom gasped. It looked like she was trying to keep something from getting out. My dad put his hand onto his temples and rubbed  in circles. “Why don’t you go outside while I talk to your mom? Okay?”
    “No problem. I’ll be back for dinner,” I said. From the front stoop I could hear the conversation, but I’m sure why they asked me to leave. They weren’t talking about me, they just kept going on about and asking themselves what in the world was wrong with some kid named Greyton.
    Down the road from our house it hit me like a ton of  Lego bricks.  Standing on the edge of his lawn, staring at me with those big  wet eyes of his was Jimmy the Flute.
Jimmy the Flute was a sad sack of a kid. His eyes always had crust in the corner and he got his name because his nose was so packed full of boogers he whistled when he talked. He was a year younger than me and about to dive into the empty swimming pool known as the fourth grade. It didn’t treat me very well and I sure hoped Jimmy would have a better run at it than I did.
He didn’t know it yet, but Jimmy was about to launch my detective agency with its first case.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Grit Feldman: Candy Detective P3

As part of November write a novel month, I'm posting four parts of Grit Feldman beginning.


Read part 1
Read part 2

When I worked on this chapter I had just spend an afternoon in my garage seperating old caulk tubes into piles of useless, dried out old tubes and unused tubes that I'm sure I'll use someday.


Every good detective needs a hat and all my dad had around the house were Sheffy City Baller hats. Sheffy City had the worst team in all of baseball. Whenever I reminded my dad that the Ballers had never won any championship he’d always say without taking his eyes off the game, “Then we’re bound to win soon.” Some of the Baller hats he wore on his walks hung from our entryway coat hangers. A few others he kept with his golf bag out in our garage. Since he wore those ones so much I thought I’d use the old, beat up ones with some messy scribbling on them that he kept out of the way next to a book end shaped like a baseball mit on the shelf in his office.
It took nearly all day to make a cool looking detective hat. First I stacked the hats on top of one another with one bill going forward and the other pointing backwards. Next I glued the two together, and finally I got some black spray paint out of the garage and emptied out the entire can all over the hat. If I say so - it didn’t look half bad. But apparently you need to let spray paint dry for a few hours because when I put it on my head the sloppy wet paint oozed down my face thicker than molasses and stickier than syrup. At first I didn’t think it was too bad. I just thought I’d take off the hat and get cleaned up, but the gooey plumber’s glue I used to attach the hats to each other seeped into my hair and pulled at my scalp like a thousand little needles. With my eyes closed I started to pull back the front of the hat and heard the garage door open. Over the rumble of the garage door I’m pretty sure I could hear long, low grumble of my dad sighing.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Grit Feldman: Candy Detective P2

    Grit Feldman: Candy Detective P1
I got really into creating a child misfit who wants to turn his life around by starting a Candy Detective Agency about a year ago, but writing for kids is hard. After about 3000 words into Grit's storyline I thought I'd read it to my son right off the bat the fact that Grit went to Juvenile Hall really freaked him out.  He didn't know there was a jail for children.


 I knew starting my own detective agency was going to be a lot of work, but I had a lot of time to think about it during my community service putting together puzzles at the Goodwill. As I placed the last black and grey piece on the snout of a puppy in a basket on a 440 piece puzzle, I knew life was about to take a turn for the better and I knew it was time to take the first step - telling my mom.
    On the way home from my last day of community service at the Goodwill, I broke the news. “Mom,” I said. She sighed. She sighs a lot. My teachers sigh a lot. Once when I flooded the bathroom at my school with a soda and Mentos bomb spraying everywhere, I heard the school custodian sigh deep and long.
    “Yeah dear,” she answered after taking a silent breath.
    “I’ve decided I’m not going to be bad anymore. It’s time to change.”
    “I certainly hope Greyton.”
    “Now mom,” I said. “part of the new me is gonna be a new name.”
    She sighed again, deep and long.
    “From now on you’ll have to call me: Grit Feldman,” I stopped talking and stared out the minivan window for effect so she’d know I was serious. Then I whispered, “Candy Detective.”
    She sighed again. I’ve seen my mom cry plenty of times. When I was five years old I made a wig for her out of bubblegum and chewed up Payday candy bars. I put it on her when she was sleeping. Believe me - that woman can cry! But this was the first time I ever saw her cry from being so happy. But she still had a lot of questions. Mainly she just kept asking “Why?” over and over.
    As happy as she was she still needed a push to let me open up my own private detective agency, and that’s where my dad comes in. He’s not the kind of dad who yells and screams and pounds his fist. He’s more of the quiet type who whenever he’s mad just shakes his head then finds a reason to go for a walk. I’ll give him credit though - he knows a good idea when he hears one. After I told him about the detective agency they put me to bed and I snuck out to listen to him convince my mom.
    “Dear,” he said, “I think we should support him. I think it’s good he wants to help other kids. Maybe,” he started waving his long arms, “maybe this candy detective phase is what he needs to stop lashing out.”
    I hear my dad use these words all the time. He says I’m “going through a phase,” or “lashing out,” or “acting up.” It makes me feel sorry for him. He doesn’t seem to understand it’s in my nature. My sweet tooth has made me rotten. Being a candy detective isn’t some kind of phase - it’s my new way of life.
    “But do we have to call him Grit?” My mom asked.
    “I don’t see the harm in it,” my dad wrapped his long skinny arms around my mom and patted her back. “It’s okay - he’s just...creative.”
    When my mom let out a long, low sigh for the third time that day I knew my future was sealed and it only be a matter of time before The Grit Feldman Candy Detective Agency would be fully operational.